


too hard to breathe, too high to fall

by capra, chupacabra (butyoumight)



Series: live with me forever (just not for long) [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: And yet, Consensual Underage Sex, M/M, Rival Sex, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, competition: 4CC 2017, consolation prize sex, knife shoes senior circuit, kssc, not so soft and definitely not boyfriends, power play sex, there's one bold boy in this bed, there's still soft that comes in at the end, zuzuthan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 18:33:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18834355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capra/pseuds/capra, https://archiveofourown.org/users/butyoumight/pseuds/chupacabra
Summary: For a second, as Yuzuru leans in and Nathan's back reflexively arches back and he flexes his feet against the floor to help keep his legs still so he doesn't crush Yuzuru's head between his thighs, Nathan thinks, "maybe he's a little bit mad at me, too."And he can't blame him for that.OR: At 4CC 2017, one year before the Pyeongchang Olympics, Nathan Chen becomes only the third man in history to stand above Yuzuru Hanyu on a podium. This can't be allowed to pass unremarked.





	too hard to breathe, too high to fall

**Author's Note:**

> over 18 months before the events of ["there's no stopping this (there's no stopping us)"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18196145) and roughly 27 months before ["we are who we are (but we don't have to be)"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18732613), Yuzu and Nathan's paths crossed, intimately, for the first time. this fic is that occurrence: a flashback to their beginning.
> 
> ☄
> 
> ON CONTENT: Nathan is 17 years old in this fic, 3 months shy of his 18th birthday, since it's set in February 2017 and his 18th birthday was May 5, 2017. This means that he's a minor by US standards, above the age of consent by Korea's and Japan's, and still four years younger than Yuzuru regardless of what other labels are placed on it. Proceed, with that knowledge in mind, as you see fit.
> 
> big thanks to my beta scribblingsquirrels, whom I pay in porn for the help she gives me to look good and coherent in front of you all
> 
> ☄
> 
> this story is based on a narrow range of cherrypicked personality qualities culled from my personal and very biased interpretation of the publically available personas of real human beings who are, I am quite certain, not similar at all to how they're depicted here.
> 
> in short, it's complete fiction.
> 
> ☄

☄

February 2017.

Gangneung.

☄

He grabs Nathan's shoulders, one in each hand, and pushes. He marches Nathan backwards into his own hotel room, and Nathan sputters, confused.

The door thuds heavily shut behind Yuzu. Nathan flinches. He already looks alarmed, but not upset, and he seems to be, at most, uncertain how he should be responding to being unexpectedly assaulted in his own hotel room. That alone almost derails Yuzu's plan - he shows up like this, at this hour, and Nathan's response is  _ polite confusion _ ? What kind of cinnamon roll naive--

Yuzu dismisses the thought. He steers Nathan toward the bed, walking him backwards until the mattress hits the back of his knees and they fold. Nathan's ass hits the bed with a whump, and he bounces once, blinking wide-eyed at Yuzuru with deep concern but no fear. Yuzu thinks it might be one of the cutest, and most frustratingly timed, expressions he's seen in his life.

"Is this about the podium today?" Nathan asks, his voice both careful and hard. He's confused, willing to extend Yuzu a broad benefit of the doubt, but not a fool.

The ember that's been smouldering in Yuzu's gut since Nathan landed his fifth quad grows hotter.

"Yes," Yuzu says, and wets his lips. "I have... Present for you. For your first medal." 

First  _ gold _ , first gold of this  _ caliber _ , first gold over  _ Yuzuru  _ \-- all of this is understood, Yuzu thinks. Implicit.

Yuzu sinks to his knees, slow, bracing himself with a hand on the bed's edge, just to the outside of Nathan's knee, just to be sure of his balance. He looks up at Nathan, gaze steady and plain. His English isn't horrible, and he could explain further in words if he wanted, but it seems easier to avoid misunderstanding this way. Keep it simple. Keep it direct.

"You will tell me if you do not want your present." It's a request as much as it's a blunt expectation.

☄

Nathan was a  _ little  _ bit drunk. 

He had been a  _ lot _ bit drunk earlier in the night. He knew it wasn't technically legal, but Raf hadn't stayed terribly long at the banquet and everyone that considered Nathan their "responsibility" (Mariah, mostly, and Mirai, and Maia and Alex, and Madi and Zach) had actually been among the first to keep circling back to him with drinks. And once he was a little bit tipsy, more people that he couldn't even completely communicate with had  _ also  _ started bringing him drinks, and after all it was  _ just  _ champagne and before he knew it the room was lazily spinning and Nathan was lazily spinning and between the bubbles and heady euphoria of  _ winning _ \--

He's not even entirely sure how he got to his room, though he remembers a sensation of hair and a smile so he's guessing probably Jason, but the next thing he knew he was waking up to a soft but insistently thorough knocking at the door, and so he got up to make sure it wasn't an emergency. 

Yuzuru's face is steely, his eyes narrowed into dark slits that swim a little in the dim lighting of Nathan's room- the only light on is the one by the hotel door, so as Yuzuru marches him in and lets the door slam behind him, his slightly-taller-than-Nathan frame blots out a lot of the light and leaves him with a halo.

He looks, Nathan thinks, like how he always looks in Nathan's thoughts. Glowing and ethereal and incomprehensible and, and...

_ Impossible. _

_ 'You beat him today,' _ some part of his subconscious reminds him, and then Nathan blinks and mentally answers himself,  _ 'technically I beat him two days ago. He beat me today.' _

And that's true. Nathan grasped the top spot on the podium by the skin of his teeth and a six point lead from the short. 

_ 'And five quads. Something no one else has ever,  _ **_ever_ ** _ done before. Not even  _ **_him_ ** _.' _

Him. Him, him, he, him, hymn, and with that thought, Nathan's ass hits the bed and he stares up at Yuzuru, now two-faced as the light shines on his right side and the room's darkness spreads across his left cheek. 

Present. Yes, Nathan is absolutely present in this moment, he thinks. Yuzuru is crouching- no, he's _kneeling_ , and Nathan's absolutely one hundred percent _present in this moment_ , yes and only when Yuzuru repeats the word does Nathan realize that he has the context all wrong. 

He  _ has  _ a present. Like a gift. Something he wants to give, that he wants Nathan to receive. But Yuzuru's hands are empty and the lines of his banquet suit are disheveled but not awkward, and Nathan realizes absently that he never took his tie off, that it's still around his neck, knot loosened but still hanging limply from his collar. His suit jacket is god only knows where. Somewhere in the room, probably. 

"Okay." He says after a too-long moment of Yuzuru clearly waiting for a response. 

Tentatively, Nathan reaches to put a hand on Yuzuru's shoulder, a loose grip. To make sure he's real. 

_ You've definitely had this dream before. _

☄

As he settles into his position, shifting his knees and feet til he's certain they're in a comfortable, safe position underneath him, it occurs to Yuzu that he's forgotten to account for the chance that Nathan might think Yuzuru's  _ mad  _ at him. Clearly, that's very much not an issue; Nathan either can tell that Yuzu's sharp gaze is simply from focus, not anger -- or just he doesn't  _ care _ . But that suggests another, truly terrifying possibility: that, somehow, Nathan Chen  _ isn't intimidated _ by Yuzuru Hanyu? - and  _ that's  _ borrowing trouble, and entirely speculative anyway, so Yuzuru pumps the brakes on that train of thought before it becomes truly run-away.

Nathan grips Yuzu's shoulder - honestly, it's loose enough that it's hardly more than a touch, and Yuzu looks up at him, not gazing into his eyes but studying his gaze, gathering information, and he realizes with a little confusion that Nathan's still tipsy.

It gives him pause, because alcohol impairs judgement and consent, and it's almost certainly a part of why Yuzuru's gotten this far without explaining himself; it's also part of why Yuzu's here, in the middle of the night. But Nathan isn't distressed, and isn't spacing out - he's very focused, perhaps not as much as Yuzuru is, but then again who is - and Yuzuru decides that it's safe enough to proceed. He'll be careful.

With that decision made, Yuzu returns to his planned program content. His left hand cups the underside of Nathan's left thigh, between the bend of his knee and the edge of the mattress.  He draws crescents there, the cheap wool of Nathan's suit running smooth under the pad of his thumb. With his right, Yuzu touches the top of Nathan's right thigh, high up in his lap. His fingers splay to the side, toward the side of his hip; his thumb lays lightly on a bunched up fold of fabric adjacent to Nathan's fly, and his elbow rests near Nathan's knee.

He looks up again, checking on Nathan's expression, keenly aware of the rate of his breath.  He wets his lips, deliberately not being as careful about how it makes him look as he is when cameras can see, and checks again.

☄

Nathan's not entirely sure how Yuzuru can  _ do  _ that. Can look at him, look into his eyes, without  _ meeting  _ his eyes. He's trying to catch Yuzuru's gaze, to figure out if the older man is as lightly intoxicated as he is-  _ your first medal _ , he said, so it's not like he's wandered up to someone else's room by mistake. He's definitely here for Nathan, Nathan's just really really not sure what he's here  _ for _ .  _ What  _ he's here for. 

His hands are heavy and strong where they find purchase, one under his left thigh, the other on top of his right. His hand stays where it is, fingers gripping lightly and then gripping a little more firmly when Yuzuru takes a breath, meets his eyes, traces his lips with his tongue, and then meets his eyes again, with more purpose this time. More heat. 

His fingertips dig in a little bit and his own throat is so dry that his voice comes out a creak and a crack and he might as well be fifteen again, because that's how he sounds. And that wasn't really all that long ago, either, was it?

"What should I do?" 

And the thing about being a teenage boy is that he's always,  _ always  _ at attention.

☄

Nathan's voice is rough, thick, and Yuzuru smiles, not unkindly, because the crack might be embarrassing for Nathan but it's informative for Yuzu - as are the words it carries. He exhales, and feels his axis click into place. Feels his sure, certain balance assert itself.

Yuzu flicks Nathan's pants open, undoing the button and bringing the zipper down with quick, easy movements. He meets Nathan's gaze, looking at him this time, not through, and smiles.  "Enjoy," he says, and leans forward to kiss the hard ridge of Nathan's cock through the silky fabric of his boxers. 

It's hot in here, in the vee of space between a person's thighs, when you're up close and personal with their sex. Everything is thick - the scent of them in your nose and on the roof of your mouth, the air, warm and somehow foggy in your ears as your focus narrows to the tasks in front of you. Yuzu likes it here, where expectations are high, complex dexterity is necessary, and endurance depends on balancing your strength and your patience in perfect symmetry to each other.  He pushes Nathan's fly open further, to make room, and kisses the column of Nathan's cock again. It's fully hard, though Yuzu knows that's less a comment on himself and more a result of Nathan's physique. And what a physique - kneeling between Nathan's legs, head between his thighs, Yuzu nuzzles the ridge of Nathan's cock, stroking with lips and the tip of his nose, just to feel the way it makes his thighs twitch and shudder. It's intoxicating, and Yuzu hums, low in his throat, in satisfaction.

☄

Okay, well,  _ holy fuck, _ because like Yuzuru is definitely here, there's no denying that this is real, Nathan doesn't even have to pinch himself to be sure- because that trick never works anyway, when he pinches himself in a dream, it absolutely hurts, dreams are their own kind of real, and with that thought he thinks- this might still be a dream, then, anyway, huh?

Yuzuru moves with such confidence. He  _ knows  _ what he's doing and how to get it done and he's not even remotely concerned that Nathan's going to stop him, either. Which, okay,  _ fair _ , Nathan's not going to stop him because he has no reason to? 

And for a second, as Yuzuru leans in and Nathan's back reflexively arches back and he flexes his feet against the floor to help keep his legs still so he doesn't crush Yuzuru's head between his thighs, Nathan thinks,  _ maybe he's a little bit mad at me, too. _

And he can't blame him for that.

His hands grasp hopelessly at the bedspread for a moment before he takes a little bit of his own initiative. One hand grasping the bedding, the other one quests out experimentally and lands with a little tremble on Yuzuru's head. Nathan pushes his fingers through that thick straight hair, and he doesn't grip or grab or push. He just rests there, and lets out a little moan in answer to Yuzuru's approving hum.

☄

Yuzu reads Nathan's thoughts by the way Nathan's body trembles. His belly flutters, thighs quivering: he's fighting the urge to close his thighs around Yuzu, keep him close, keep him right  _ there  _ where Nathan is so desperate for touch. His voice creaks, strained without the air behind it to make it into proper noise.  Then, a gasping breath later, the moan does come, winnowed free of his self control by the feathered vibration of Yuzu's lips against his cock. Yuzu smiles, pleased, and nuzzles further in. He presses with the bridge of his nose, giving Nathan the pressure he's craving in the form of one firm stroke up his length, topped with a playful, bratty kiss -  _ mwuah! _ \- on his tip.  

Then Yuzu's pulling back, hands light at the waistband of Nathan's briefs, and he tucks his right hand inside, cradling and protecting Nathan's cock from getting yanked around as Yuzu strips him roughly and quickly.  The thin underwear fabric slips out from under Nathan's ass, and then with some more forceful tugs and a bit of cooperation from Nathan, the entire assemblage, briefs and belt and pants all together, hits the backs of his knees and puddles down to the floor. Yuzu knee-walks over the pile of it, pinning Nathan's ankles down, and pushes his knees apart once more. As Yuzu settles in, ready for business, the details of this dim room are looking a little brighter, shadows looking a little less thick. He knows his pupils have gone wide, dilated with hunger. Idly, he wonders whether Nathan's noticed. Whether Nathan's have, too.

"You can put your hand back into my hair," he remarks calmly, gaze fixed on Nathan's groin. Not just his cock, but all of the parts of him that Yuzu's never seen before: the tendons of his inner thighs, twitching desperately; the silently visible pulse of his femoral arteries, broad and fast-flowing; the low, flat slope of his abdomen, cut like a candy bar above, but smooth and honey-golden here, where veins and a thick patch of dark hair draws the eye downward.

"Feel free to push. If you can."

Yuzu's strong - so's Nathan, obviously, but Yuzu's strength is married with experience. He knows his way around a blowjob, both giving and taking, and so as he takes Nathan onto his tongue, savoring the weight and musk of him before sucking him deeper, he's aware he's gambling, setting the strength of his neck, back and shoulders against the degree to which Nathan decides he needs to test Yuzu's gag reflex. Yuzu pulses his tongue against the underside of Nathan's cockhead and gulps, using his whole mouth and throat to move him further into his mouth.  He hopes it's a close match, Nathan's strength versus Yuzu's own - not only because he likes going deep, and so a loss would be just as enjoyable as a win - but because he knows he's good at sucking cock, and he's sure Nathan will soon come to agree.

☄

Not all of the words Yuzuru is saying is making it through to Nathan's brain in a way that he can actually contemplate them, much less react. He hears  _ hand  _ and he feels the pressure of Yuzuru's hand on his cock and Yuzuru's whole body weight pinning down his slacks, and with it his feet to the floor. All of that combines to mean something that Nathan's not quite sure about, and for all that Yuzuru's next words contain as much of a challenge as implicit permission, Nathan - well, Nathan knows he's younger, knows he's less experienced, knows he's still a little bit drunk. So Nathan is still not entirely certain this entire thing isn't meant as some kind of punishment for daring to deviate so far from his planned program content, for jacking his technical score up so high that his not-as-refined components didn't matter. With all of that in his head and throbbing through the parts of his body that he's struggling to hold in check, he can't bring himself to put his hand back into Yuzuru's hair. The temptation to push would be too high, and he's not sure he'll be able to restrain his hips from bucking, especially with the way his whole body tenses when Yuzuru's lips close over him.

It's a challenge, a gauntlet thrown down by someone who seems infinitely more experienced than Nathan is. And Nathan -

Nathan already won once today. He's not sure he even  _ wants  _ to win this time.

What he does do is let his back arch even further, let his head fall back so he can open his everything up to let out a full-throated and much-louder-than-anticipated moaning curse as Yuzuru sucks his length nearly down his  _ throat _ .

" _ Fuck! _ "

☄

Nathan loses his grip on stoicism, and his voice, already roughened, sounds to Yuzuru like the beginning of a choreo sequence, or the musical accent that should be punctuated by a jump takeoff. Satisfaction curling low in his gut, he tightens the ring of his lips around Nathan; swallows a little, just to make sure Nathan realizes that he  _ is  _ that far back, that the top of Yuzu's throat absolutely is  _ right there _ ; and starts slowly bobbing.

As he works Nathan over, Yuzu's hands are never still. Occasionally dipping low between his thighs, cradling and tugging lightly, most of the time Yuzu keeps his touches tucked under the hem of Nathan's shirt on the broad slopes of Nathan's flanks, or on the thick corded muscle of his thighs.

_ His quads _ , Yuzu thinks, with an oddly distant amusement. 

But the English wordplay can wait for another time. Right now, this is about the two of them, their two medals. Two programs apiece, one loss and one win apiece. But the medals that matter are only given for the total sum, and Yuzu's already sufficiently cursed himself out for the mistakes in his short, the error that put him too far behind to catch up the territory in the long. 

Not that he - or  _ anyone  _ \- had known that it was an uncrossable gap. Not until, sitting in the greenroom, Yuzu watched the monitor, watched Nathan land his fifth quad, and the shaky disbelief he'd felt at himself only four minutes prior - 'Four quads! I did four' - was eclipsed.  Five. 

_ Five! _

Yuzu pulls off with a gasp, suckling and kissing and licking to fill the time he needs to get his breath back. His hands, thin fingers and cool skin, stroke up Nathan's hips, grip him at his waist, just above his hip bones. He turns his attention back to the main event before Nathan has time to get impatient, or skittish.  He's genuinely enjoying himself - the human body is a beautiful instrument, and Yuzu passionately enjoys playing it. But this is more than recreational. This is the only kind of vindictiveness that Yuzu will allow himself; the only kind of petty consolation prize that he can allow himself to want.

Nathan earned the gold today, fair and square, but Yuzu's craven little dragon heart still hisses  _ 'stolen' _ and  _ 'should have been mine.' _ It's wrong - coming into this competition, the gold was Yuzu's to win or lose, and lose it he did. Not  _ should  _ have been his, but  _ could _ have been, had he skated differently, had Nathan fallen or popped; had Yuzu not. Could have been, but isn't.

So Yuzu takes Nathan's coherence instead, steals his breath, till he's wound around Yuzu's little finger, gasping at the mercy of Yuzu's tongue.  This feels like a sufficient consolation prize to Yuzu, and because it's consensual, it's pleasurable, and it's private, it feels fair to want it, and to take it.  This transaction, between just the two of them. Pleasure for peace. Satiation for serenity.

Taking Nathan in hand now, palm moving smooth and easy over slippery wet skin, Yuzu leans close and kisses Nathan's belly. Kisses the ridge of his hip bone above his surgery scars. Kisses, sucks a bruising bite into the skin near there - not  _ too  _ near, as no one but Nathan has the right to claim those scars, and everything they mean, and what they cost him. But near enough that the bite is an offering. An nod of acknowledgement, from one veteran to another.  _  It tried to bring you down, and you've risen even higher. This marks your trophy from that fight, and that victory.  _

"Good?" he asks, voice husky from cock.  "Tell me what you like."

Nathan hesitates, and Yuzuru can see the tension that's laced through him, a tight steel wire, and Nathan's the beads strung along it. Yuzuru runs his teeth smoothly along the corded tendon on Nathan's inner thigh, pressing down heavily with the splay of his hand across his knee against the spasm that runs through the muscles of Nathan's thigh. Yuzu's pressing the wire, toying with the tension that's holding Nathan captive and holding him in thrall. He presses down, digging his thumb against that strong tendon surrounded by delicate skin over mind-bendingly alluring muscle, and it's easy, so easy. Yuzu's dragging Nathan's composure out of shape, and Nathan is the beads on the wire: sliding, tumbling downhill, each hitting the next, a cascade constrained to linear collapse.

Nathan's chest heaves with his breath, jerking up and down, tits leading each movement toward the hotel room ceiling as he struggles not to let his head fall back, elbows weak and fingers digging into the bedspread. He's working first on keeping himself upright, second on managing any kind of coherence beyond that. As Yuzu continues working his hand over Nathan's cock, polishing the head with the dip of his palm and the pursed suction of his lips, Nathan's only managing 'upright,' and not by much.

Nathan's belly flickers in and out, irregular, too quick. He's not breathing through his diaphragm, Yuzu observes idly; and as a result he's drawing shallow, tight breaths, each one driven by each twitch of his cock, of his calves. It's sloppy, nothing like an athlete's rhythm, as his personal inexperience overtakes his professional training. Nathan can take these kinds of luxuries with his oxygen and still not pass out, Yuzu knows now. Must be nice. Petty, he rakes his teeth lightly across the vein on Nathan's underside; Nathan curses, sharp and high, and flinches away. Yuzu holds him down.

"Tell me what you want," Yuzu repeats, insistent. He's all but purring his words, deliberately seductive to the max, and drags his tongue down Nathan's length, nibbling at the base with pointed lips. "What you  _ need _ ."

Nathan gasps, a huge breath of cool air to fill his lungs and expand his ribcage, and his belly flexes and tightens against Yuzu's cheek. Yuzu waits, tongue flirting along Nathan's coronal ridge, waiting for the consent he knows is coming.  _ Ruin me _ , he won't say, because this is Nathan Chen, and Yuzu's figured out at least enough about him as a person to know that his brand of dramatics doesn't run even close to that direction.  _ 'Please _ , _ ' _ it might be, or  _ 'I need _ , _ ' _ or maybe just a choked-off  _ 'Yuzu!' _

Instead:

"I need a minute." And Nathan's hand is on the side of Yuzu's head, pushing him back, forcing space.

Yuzu rocks back on his heels. Looks up at Nathan, blinks once. Nathan palms his own face, covering his eyes, raking his sweaty curls out of his eyes. Yuzu's voice is flat. "What."

"No, seriously, I need--"  Nathan gasps, but the distance between his cock and Yuzu's mouth is already clearing his head. Yuzu watches coherence come back into Nathan's eyes and hates it, and hates that he hates it. Of course he cares for Nathan's consent - but he didn't expect he wouldn't  _ get it. _ That thought had honestly not occurred to him.

It's never had reason to.

Nathan coughs, shudders in another huge breath, and drags his gaze into focus, drags it down from the ceiling, down onto Yuzu. Nathan meets Yuzu's eyes, and his gaze is blown out, wild and hungry, but  _ inquisitive  _ in a way that Yuzu isn't sure what to do with.

"Okay, just. Just give me a minute here," Nathan's saying. "I'm struggling with this."

"Struggling?" Yuzu does  _ not _ understand. What's so complicated about this? Nathan was - is - clearly enjoying this.

"What the hell is this?" Nathan asks, and shakes his head softly. "Like, I mean, I don't mean  _ what  _ is this, this is obviously a - this is a blowjob." Yuzu's already losing track of the individual words as Nathan's improbable speaking speed comes back along with his coherence.

"I mean, why do you want to - You just came in here, and you said 'present,' like a gift, and I get that, but why-- this isn't the kind of gift that, you know, people  _ give  _ each other generally, I mean, not strangers; I mean, some strangers do, but not all the time, and usually you both have to like, sign up for it -- not actually sign up, unless it's an app, but that's not the point, the point is it's not…"

Nathan is jangling around, all loose nerves and stammered words, like someone's strummed that pulled-tight steel wire,  _ hard. _ As it hums in resonance the beads strung onto it rattle and shake, clacking against each other, nervously fiddling. Nathan's pinched up a one-inch patch of the bedspread between his fingers, rubbing it back and forth between them.

"I mean, we're not  _ strangers, _ but we kinda really are, you know? So what-- what  _ is  _ this?"

The bulk of Nathan's anxious words are a blur of muddy syllabulary that Yuzu can't fully decipher. The last few are clear, and he answers them.

"Sex," he says, looking at Nathan like he's simple, because maybe he is. Maybe he can't do the math here, in the bedroom, the way he can do it on the ice: fast and adaptive and avaricious. "I want to make you come. Yes? No?"

"Why," Nathan croaks, as his cock bucks just from listening to Yuzu, just from hearing Yuzu tell him,  _ I want to make you come _ . It's some consolation for Yuzu's wounded pride. He holds on to that fact, and to the fact that despite his confusion, despite the interruption, Nathan's cock is still so hard Yuzu is certain it has to be painful. At least his cock isn't having second thoughts, even if the rest of Nathan seems dead-set on convincing himself that he is.

Yuzu is out of patience for this. Nathan will push him away or he won't. He doesn't need to  _ understand  _ Yuzu, he just has to enjoy the result. An orgasm, a quite objectively fantastic blowjob, the pleasure of seeing Yuzuru-fucking-Hanyu on his knees. Isn't that enough?

"Because  _ five, _ " Yuzu says, and leans in close.

Nathan makes a soft, breathy noise: a soft gasp or a harsh inhale. His hands, clutching fistfuls of the bedding to either side of his hips, go still. Then they relax, deliberately, until his palms are flat on the comforter and his elbows are lax, not locked and tense, and he slowly leans back onto his hands. The curve of Nathan's back pushes his hips forward, stretching out his belly, tipping his tits and his chin ceilingward, opening his hips so his thighs fall open. He's offering the answer Yuzu's been waiting for with his body instead of words. Yuzu will take his answer and his body both.

Yuzu takes Nathan in his mouth again, tongue flat and tight under his head, and sucks hard, enjoying the way Nathan shudders. He spreads his knees further, pushing Nathan's ankles apart; his feet are still in his pants, which Yuzu's kneeling on, tethering them down. His hands splay across Nathan's thighs again, thumbs stroking the contours like steel wires, like guitar strings, and instead of a wail of sound, Yuzu sees his effect in the shudder that wracks Nathan from knees to navel, feels it in the way his pulse jumps, laying hot on Yuzu's tongue as Yuzu works his cock further in, sucking and sliding, hands pinning his thighs tightly down the whole time.

Yuzu wasn't lying at the start. This was meant to be a present for Nathan. It was also meant to be enjoyable for Yuzu, because who ever enters an exchange like this fully altruistically? And Nathan agreed, both at the start and now again, surrender in his body language, in the tuck of his spine as his belly flutters and strains, as his throat gulps around air he can stand to do without.

So why does this feel like it's lost its lustre? 

Yuzu had wanted to awe him, humble and overwhelm him, flatten him with carnal pleasure if he couldn't flatten him on the ice. He's Yuzuru fucking Hanyu and he wanted to make sure Nathan Chen remembered that.

Well, he's certain Nathan is going to remember him, but he's no longer certain that he'll do so with awe. This was meant to remain entirely in Yuzu's control, a gift coolly bestowed. Instead it's become something in which Yuzu is as deeply invested as he meant to make Nathan. Yuzu doesn't just expect Nathan to be impressed - he  _ wants  _ him to be.  _ Needs  _ him to be.

Why?

Yuzu's getting distracted from the blowjob, he realizes. He's not doing poorly - he's good at these, and as with skating, sometimes his best work is done when he's barely paying attention to the details, too plugged in to the lifeblood of the ice to think in such limited terms as words and terminology. Here too, he feels Nathan thick on his tongue, trembling, and he squeezes Nathan's thigh: fingertips resting between  _ vastus lateralus  _ and  _ rectus femoris _ , thumbnail raking lightly up the thin, defined ridge of the  _ gracilis _ , where sensation shudders all the way up the inner thigh to the pubic bone. Nathan's close, and Yuzu's eyelids are heavy with lust as he catalogs the little quivers that are building up as the edge draws near. The wiry tension is pulled impossibly tight through his frame, and Yuzu's ready to make it snap, let all the beads go spilling, clattering away.

Moments before - a split second before - Nathan's hand snaps forward, viper-fast, finding Yuzu's on his thigh. He laces their fingers together, knuckles knotted against each other so tightly they creak. And it's that connection that does it. The moment that it's completed is the moment that Nathan comes, choking off his gasps into a silent, aching groan. He falls backward, single supporting hand sliding out from under him, and the mattress bounces as he crumples down. Yuzu's hand  _ aches _ , and Nathan's short, bitten-off nails dig ragged crescents behind each of Yuzu's knuckles as Nathan trembles and jerks and comes down Yuzu's throat.

In the silence afterward, Yuzu pulls off, gulping for air and swallowing to unglue his tongue. Nothing else moves, until Nathan's thumb does, sketching a shaky crescent of gratitude across the back of Yuzu's. Neither of them speak. Nathan's breath is ragged, as if he's run through his long three times in sequence, and Yuzu's is shallow, near-silent, as he tries to process what just happened, giving away as little as he can in the process. The wire snapped and the beads were scattered, but it's Yuzu who feels like he's left picking up the pieces.

Yuzu knows the moment that Nathan comes back to coherence: it's the moment his hand is suddenly free, and Nathan's jerking his own away as if he fears he's burned Yuzu by his touch. His throat starts working, and Yuzu looks up the length of him, regretting the cheap suit shirt and tie that hide from Yuzu's sight the oxygen-hungry heaving of his chest, the bob of his throat as he gulps down the air his lungs are thirsty for. But this wasn't meant that way - this was a single transaction. A blowjob: pleasure given, pleasure taken, in the only petty way that Yuzu is permitted to have.

Nudity isn't required for that. And embracing certainly isn't. So Yuzu pushes himself off his knees to crouch on the balls of his feet. One hand on the edge of the bed braces him as he levers himself up to stand. He brought nothing but himself into this room, and he's leaving with only that, plus a little something more. Yuzu licks his lips, imagining he can feel the weight of the orgasm he took from Nathan as it rests in his throat, in his belly. It's not as heavy as gold, but it's as singular, as personal. It's what he came here for.

Nathan's hand twitches on his chest, and he covers it with his other, gripping tight. His head is still tipped back, thrown to one side. His eyes are closed, and both Yuzu and Nathan know that they could be open. Yuzu can feel the imprint of Nathan's rough fingernails in his skin.

Yuzu steps back, putting space between himself and Nathan sprawled over the edge of the bed.

"Congratulation on gold," he says, and his voice doesn't waver, because he doesn't let it.  "I will take the next one."

Nathan coughs. "Wait." He pushes himself up onto his elbows, shaky, looking weak as water. If not for his pants around his ankles, his spent cock laid against his belly, he'd simply look clammy, overwarmed. Like he'd caught a fever.

Nathan finds Yuzu's gaze and holds it. His cheeks are red, embarrassment or exertion or both, but he doesn't let it make him flinch.

"Thank you," Nathan says, and licks his lips. Yuzu licks his own again, self-conscious. "I'll see you in Helsinki."

"It won't be like this," Yuzu says, sharp, as if he's making a threat, and he's not sure where the impulse came from, or why he followed it. Why he's even talking about this, trying to intimidate Nathan with words, instead of leaving the actions they've just shared to speak - or remain silent - for themselves.

But Nathan  _ smiles _ , and there's no fear in his eyes at all. Not even a spark. "No, it won't be," Nathan says. "I'm going to study up before then."

Yuzu gives in to a shudder.  "Good night, Nathan," he says, autopilot taking over. He's definitely not hard anymore, but his blood is rushing with adrenaline and it feels like cold fire. He's aware his eyes have gone sharp, and he turns to go.

"Goodnight, Yuzuru," Nathan says, letting the weight of his gaze ride along on Yuzu's shoulders all the way to the door and into the hall.

The door clicks quietly shut between them.

☄

**Author's Note:**

> things will not, in fact, go the same as this at helsinki. but they don't know that yet.
> 
> they also don't yet know that they're going to end up stupidly fluffy and soft ~~and in love~~ but they'll figure it out, bit by bit.
> 
> we've been capra and chupacabra, and we thank you for reading.
> 
> ☄


End file.
